What have I done this time?

Well yesterday, I decided to go to the CC where I work to get my pay for the day I worked. Since, the boss always comes at midnight, it's normal that I would stay there till he comes. *Without his approval I can't take my money* Anyways... I waited till 3am in the morning, till my mom called. I know it's no good I stay till such late times... but sometimes if it's something I have to do, I will do. Maybe it's just a mere RM30, but still. I have been promised this money 2 days ago and I still haven't received it. Shouldn't I do something about it? I don't know... Different people different thoughts.

Some say... not listening to your mother would bring you bad stuff. And yes... I'd second that, 'coz it happened to me. Woke up at 8am, but then I found myself sick... and really weak. Had no choice but to continue resting... and skipped class in the process. And when I woke up again, I'm like... seeing several images of clocks! Man... 1 shows 4pm, the other shows 2pm... what the hell man! First time in my entire life I face such a problem. Actually, I don't think it's a very serious matter... but me doing such stuff is really unforgiveable. I really wonder... where have my mind wandered off to?

Speaking of which... it's the first time I dreamed of something about fighting. Although I was winning in the dream... I don't want to have this kind of dream. I might be a short-tempered person, but still... I prefer peace more than any other person would want it.

Wee... 7am.

You see... I don't wake up at these kinda hour. Yep, I didn't sleep, if that's your guess. Couldn't sleep actually. So... again I'm writing this senseless blog to keep it updated and all. Oh well, it was a boring day as we say, starting from Mapling, to bossing and then DotA. Nothing nice really happen, just a few trivial stuff like s0fer making the door open and me winning some games. Gee... Come to think of it, I don't even know why I can't sleep. Been thinking about a lot of stuff that I shouldn't. I guess sometimes... no matter how close you are to a person, you can't just butt in their lives and make decisions for them. Having the heart to help is one thing, having the ability is another. If you're seeing this, I guess I'll have to say sorry again. I definately don't know how to help you, but I really wish I did had a way. Just take good care of yourself sis.

To my little Sotong, sorry also. Guess I can't really turn back my sleep time just yet. Promise you but can't do so. Hopefully I'll be able to go back to normal A.S.A.P. Love you lots, and everyone also.

Cherish life as it should be. We only have 1 time living. Do what is best for it.

6am in the morning...

Well here am I, 6am + a bit bit in the morning, having some typing time for myself. I've been thinking... What have I done all these while. By coming out with this thought... basically I get to realise that, I've been doing a pretty whole lot of crap for a long long time. Guess I'll need some guidance and inspiration. I feel quite a nuisance to some people, maybe I think too much, or maybe it's a fact. I don't know, nah... I think I should say as "I don't want to know". Thinking back and comparing other's life to myself, I feel... I'm quite a lucky guy. Spoilt brat, selfish boy, immature idiot, whatever you can dish out. I really hope I can change all of these. Heh... guess it's plain bullshit to talk about these kind of things now.

What do you think? Am I getting emo again or what? Haha... sounds like I'm making you stand in a very bad position yeah... Sorry though. Sorry that I'm being such a selfish and inconsiderate person. Have I done a lot for you? I don't know lol. I just know that, you did a lot for me. And... seriously. I'm touched and happy. I felt like crying sometimes haha... Now it's like... without you around, I'm just not me. Gee, I don't know how to end this by the way. I just hope I can do my best to not let you be sad... Don't think I can be the guy to make you happy forever or those kinda stuff. Just a plain guy that wants to see you be happy in your life.

Guess this is all. Hope you actually read through.

P/S : It's just how I feel. If you think I'd do something stupid, don't worry. I won't.

What's gonna become of me?

Well I didn't really give a real thought about this issue. True, it's the holidays now for me till MARCH, dang... Being back at home at 7am in the morning and waking up at 4pm just isn't right. I know that, yes. I don't have anything to do. Maybe yes, maybe no. Partly why I'm writing this is just to let out those inner feelings. I'm seriously confused with the fact that, "Hey... you're ruining your precious time around by doing nothing and NOTHING." Or so to say... my awkward feelings about all the recent happenings around. My life is dull in a way that... I don't really meet a lot of people, just sticking there on that few places, and sitting my life out. Why am I doing this? What would she say if she read this? Haha... Stupid me right? Sometimes I really wish that she'd just scold me or something. But guess that's kinda impossible, unless I tell her to take a look at this blog or something... Gee, we used to say "Let's get married for that ring" and end up I really like her. Thinking back, how stupid am I. It's just not gonna happen. Not everyday is a Sunday in any matter of life. I have to work hard. Or maybe just give up? Maybe I''ll just work myself out this time... It's time I make a change, at least for myself. I've been giving up too much on things that happen in my life. Life's a war, maybe a game, or anything you might describe it to be. Well at least, bless me for having a chance to continue it, rather than just die off or something.

For the good, or for the bad?

Confusingly, and as expected. Things did go way out of control. Well, it was kinda in deepshit-ish situation already, but just so that I decided to stick my head in it and meddle in the mud, it just keeps getting BADDER and BADDER. Who would've thought that, in the end I was the one who couldn't wait for the chance to come? No one ever thought that this would happen, I'm sure of it myself.

For the people who actually have the time to read what I say, my advice is... Never, EVER, EVER... butt into confusing situations. In my case, I never liked it, but I'm glad I did it. Clarifying and trusting someone in a confusing incident may more or less, make you grow.

I don't dare to say that I'm doing a good job in this problem, yet in the first place, I wasn't even suppoesed to be in this shit. Maybe, it's because I throw too much personal feelings in this matter, or just. As my mentor *I think of her as that* said, I can't always be the noble hero in everyone's problem. People still have to face the music sooner or later. You just can't be there helping them every single second. It'll just make things shit.

Something I'd Like to try

Before I start my post today, I've been thinking about doing something that I haven't done in like... 2 years. Poem writing. Oh well, this is how I feel though, so let's get this going :

Long we met, short we knew,
Times goes by and feelings spill,
Sometimes we never expect,
Sometimes we never knew,
To hide aside or stand with might?
That's what's hard to do.

Give me hope, give me might,
Give me what I can't decide.
Comes to mind, down to heart,
This is what I decide?
No, no, this is old.
Things just will be old.

I see water, I see ground,
My heart's softer, and turning around.
What've I achieve, what I seek,
They just fall off the reek.
What a pity, what a fool,
To think that life's a fool.

My day and night, my love at sight,
Is this all a truth?
Never, never, never a truth,
I've been too much a fool,
To think that everything was a mere tool.
In the end of the podium of life,
I bear the loser of life.

What a pity, what a fool.
For I in the end,
Is the biggest fool.

Well, that's just about what I wanna write about today. Can't think of anymore.
I will be a better person, I will be a better man. Give me time and I will bend, the fate of my demise at hand.

Thanks for bearing with me. Seriously, I wish I could make up to you my dear sister.

For a long long time...

Yep, I'm back on this dumb thing, listening to the old GazettE song I love so... This is actually a compilation of what happened lately. Yeah, guess there was stress here and there... I getting angry too easily lately, too sensitive, too dumb, too stupid, you name it I got it. Well, there was something very weird that happened. About a few days ago, I went for the Oracle guild gathering. Oh yes, I met my little sotong... cute girl... kinda good too. And there was the bunch of dudes from Oracle, nice people they are. AND then, we had food on Gasoline cafe. This is where the weird part came in. AS we sat down, I looked around, and felt that the place looked familiar. Indeed. I've been to the place before. But probably you won't believe how. I been to this exact place, sat at the exact same spot, and looked up the exact same thing... only that it was in my dream. Last year, almost exact same date with the gathering. How did I remember all of this? What's happening to my mind? Only God knows, don't you think?

Well, enough for that. After this event... there was the series of hanging out with my god sis aka June. When we met in the real world, everything is smooth but once it comes to Maple... Everything, I mean, EVERYTHING just can't be any eff-ing "better" as it comes by. Quarrel, anger, whatever it is. I really just don't get what's happening nowadays. Have I changed, or it is just the world changing without me knowing it? Stressed I am, but what is it that is bugging my sanity?

Hmm, guess I'd say this for the 999th time, take care Sotong... take care Junie, it may be a brief time apart, but I still hope for both of your health and safety. Be loving both of you as long as it be. I'll be a better person when you all come back. Now I finally understand what is really wrong with myself. My sanity and I just need time to cope back with each other. Hopefully me learning more about hope, self-value, respect, humbleness, and the art of talking would make things better for everyone. Last said, new year's just ahead... Time to make a change in life.

Love you guys for looking at this. May peace be with everyone. Good night.