Clear thought.

I decided to take a long break from MapleStory. Yeah, it's sad. Just moving away from it like that. I feel guilty, yet relieved. I wonder why... oh well, I just needed a break from it anyways. What I thought of today was, a clear thought about "wanting a change", and whatever things related to me referring to this statement. It's actually a total bullshit for me to say this kinda things, reason being that me myself am very, very hypocritic even to myself. Changes don't come when you keep repeatedly say about them. Instead, they come either where you least expect it to come, or maybe through one's hardwork. I have to admit that, I'm some sort of a Lotus Eater (We learn that story back on secondary school, talking about some guy that decides to have fun for his whole life and kill himself when he finished his money). Maybe? Or am I just a guy that needs more attention and love? Who knows? Even I myself don't know what I want or what I need.

P/S : Yeah, I'm just filling this blog up once in awhile. I always hope that you'd leave your comments here. Heh, feels like I'm looking for your symphathy or something yeah... Guess I should stop doing that you know. You are that one special person that... ah nevermind.

Forgive me, the girl who took my heart.

Guess in this situation, I've really become a failure. Failure to realize that... sometimes, if things weren't meant to be, it won't be as you hope for. The more you hope for, the bigger your disappointment. I was a fool to think that I could be with you. As you said last time... how are you going to be a couple together with a person you barely know in real life? Well, now I understood why. It's right. I guess I've been always putting too much real feelings into fake stuff. Thanks for the good times. It made me cheered up even when I was in the weakest state that time. I'll just cry and move on... Haha, how sissy of me. If you are reading this... I just wanna let you know that I think I've did the wrong thing to myself. I've fallen for you... but yet, it's barely impossible ya? I do hope that I was the guy in your checklist, but hey. I'm just a normal friend to you I guess. Words are just decorations, it can be fake yet true sometimes. But do know... Every word I said to you, was truly from my heart.

Just filling in the posts

I don't know what's happening actually. Sometimes, we just get really confused about what we want and where are we aiming to. Maybe this is what's happening to me? Nah... doesn't seem like it. I feel like... me everytime saying about "not motivated" or "no inspiration" these kinda stuff is... totally a big bullshit to myself. It's just me being lazy I guess... no. It's certain. Why am I so lazy? I can't blame others for it.

I guess really I should be making a change for myself. But how am I to start? I can't rely on anyone about this right?

What have I done this time?

Well yesterday, I decided to go to the CC where I work to get my pay for the day I worked. Since, the boss always comes at midnight, it's normal that I would stay there till he comes. *Without his approval I can't take my money* Anyways... I waited till 3am in the morning, till my mom called. I know it's no good I stay till such late times... but sometimes if it's something I have to do, I will do. Maybe it's just a mere RM30, but still. I have been promised this money 2 days ago and I still haven't received it. Shouldn't I do something about it? I don't know... Different people different thoughts.

Some say... not listening to your mother would bring you bad stuff. And yes... I'd second that, 'coz it happened to me. Woke up at 8am, but then I found myself sick... and really weak. Had no choice but to continue resting... and skipped class in the process. And when I woke up again, I'm like... seeing several images of clocks! Man... 1 shows 4pm, the other shows 2pm... what the hell man! First time in my entire life I face such a problem. Actually, I don't think it's a very serious matter... but me doing such stuff is really unforgiveable. I really wonder... where have my mind wandered off to?

Speaking of which... it's the first time I dreamed of something about fighting. Although I was winning in the dream... I don't want to have this kind of dream. I might be a short-tempered person, but still... I prefer peace more than any other person would want it.

Wee... 7am.

You see... I don't wake up at these kinda hour. Yep, I didn't sleep, if that's your guess. Couldn't sleep actually. So... again I'm writing this senseless blog to keep it updated and all. Oh well, it was a boring day as we say, starting from Mapling, to bossing and then DotA. Nothing nice really happen, just a few trivial stuff like s0fer making the door open and me winning some games. Gee... Come to think of it, I don't even know why I can't sleep. Been thinking about a lot of stuff that I shouldn't. I guess sometimes... no matter how close you are to a person, you can't just butt in their lives and make decisions for them. Having the heart to help is one thing, having the ability is another. If you're seeing this, I guess I'll have to say sorry again. I definately don't know how to help you, but I really wish I did had a way. Just take good care of yourself sis.

To my little Sotong, sorry also. Guess I can't really turn back my sleep time just yet. Promise you but can't do so. Hopefully I'll be able to go back to normal A.S.A.P. Love you lots, and everyone also.

Cherish life as it should be. We only have 1 time living. Do what is best for it.

6am in the morning...

Well here am I, 6am + a bit bit in the morning, having some typing time for myself. I've been thinking... What have I done all these while. By coming out with this thought... basically I get to realise that, I've been doing a pretty whole lot of crap for a long long time. Guess I'll need some guidance and inspiration. I feel quite a nuisance to some people, maybe I think too much, or maybe it's a fact. I don't know, nah... I think I should say as "I don't want to know". Thinking back and comparing other's life to myself, I feel... I'm quite a lucky guy. Spoilt brat, selfish boy, immature idiot, whatever you can dish out. I really hope I can change all of these. Heh... guess it's plain bullshit to talk about these kind of things now.

What do you think? Am I getting emo again or what? Haha... sounds like I'm making you stand in a very bad position yeah... Sorry though. Sorry that I'm being such a selfish and inconsiderate person. Have I done a lot for you? I don't know lol. I just know that, you did a lot for me. And... seriously. I'm touched and happy. I felt like crying sometimes haha... Now it's like... without you around, I'm just not me. Gee, I don't know how to end this by the way. I just hope I can do my best to not let you be sad... Don't think I can be the guy to make you happy forever or those kinda stuff. Just a plain guy that wants to see you be happy in your life.

Guess this is all. Hope you actually read through.

P/S : It's just how I feel. If you think I'd do something stupid, don't worry. I won't.

What's gonna become of me?

Well I didn't really give a real thought about this issue. True, it's the holidays now for me till MARCH, dang... Being back at home at 7am in the morning and waking up at 4pm just isn't right. I know that, yes. I don't have anything to do. Maybe yes, maybe no. Partly why I'm writing this is just to let out those inner feelings. I'm seriously confused with the fact that, "Hey... you're ruining your precious time around by doing nothing and NOTHING." Or so to say... my awkward feelings about all the recent happenings around. My life is dull in a way that... I don't really meet a lot of people, just sticking there on that few places, and sitting my life out. Why am I doing this? What would she say if she read this? Haha... Stupid me right? Sometimes I really wish that she'd just scold me or something. But guess that's kinda impossible, unless I tell her to take a look at this blog or something... Gee, we used to say "Let's get married for that ring" and end up I really like her. Thinking back, how stupid am I. It's just not gonna happen. Not everyday is a Sunday in any matter of life. I have to work hard. Or maybe just give up? Maybe I''ll just work myself out this time... It's time I make a change, at least for myself. I've been giving up too much on things that happen in my life. Life's a war, maybe a game, or anything you might describe it to be. Well at least, bless me for having a chance to continue it, rather than just die off or something.